Dealing with intense grief and emotions

The long path of solitude

I haven't practiced in 2 days now. I've been coping with cravings for the last 3 days. The cravings last an average of 2 hours, sometimes longer. It's a strange feeling, less like an "urge" than an uncomfortable feeling deep in my chest and abdomen. Following the discomfort, I feel grumpy and I feel sorry for myself. Mentally, I become distracted and keep imagining wine in a glass or a cold microbrew. Then I think about all of the people in the world who can drink without being addicted. They can move through their lives without thinking about alcohol much, and may not feel like having a drink even when they're at a drinking social event. I long to be one of those people. I resent that this is my reality. I fear that I'll always be like this, either struggling with alcohol specifically, or else combatting addictive/compulsive behaviors and depression.

It seems that after 5 days of sobriety, I feel very depressed and grief-stricken. The grief comes from many severe losses. My mother committed suicide when I was 8 and I was raised by my alcoholic father and abusive step-mother. After years of putting my life in order (including 14 years abstinence from alcohol), at the age of 38 I had 3 miscarriages, one right after the other. Now, mother's day is approaching and all my friends have babies. They will celebrate mother's day with their child and with their own mothers. I will not. I have no mother, and I will never be a mother. The empty void seems bottomless. Now 5 years after the losses, I still cry for hours, bitter tears and sobs, feeling the crushing pain inside of me. It's hard to cope without alcohol.

I chose not to drink last night because I hope that with more sobriety I may learn a better way to comfort myself. It's important that I acknowledge the usefulness of alcohol, too. It does help to ease the pain, if only for a few hours, which is one of the reasons it's so tempting when I'm feeling low. Sometimes the self-medicating strategy backfires, though. I may be having a lovely time consuming a bottle of wine, but once I reach the bottom, something somewhere (either within myself or something in the environment) will trigger the grief. The pain is equally devastating, drunk or sober. Only if I continue with my plans to rebuild my inner life, using yoga, can I hope to heal. Can I heal? Will I ever live at peace in my own body?