Healing takes time - be patient

It's difficult to not get impatient, especially when we begin recovery. I often find I am distressed at the fact that I have been forced to deal with psychological problems since I was a little girl. My mother committed suicide when I was 8 years old, and ever since I've been struggling with emotional issues. Because of my early life trauma, I have been less equipped to cope with distress than my peers.

Early recovery is a challenge because we have to learn to cope without using food, alcohol, cigarettes, or other external rewards. How do we learn to find inner rewards to help us get through a tough time? The first place to reach for your inner rewards is on the yoga mat. If, for 60-90 minutes, I am able to indulge in blissful body movements, calming meditation, healing, self-affirming mental intentions, I can begin to allow the healing I experience on the mat to infiltrate the rest of my life. But it doesn't transfer over perfectly and the peace we feel on our mat cannot eliminate distress. Life's inherent stressors won't allow us to live a perfectly peaceful life 100% of the time. Early in recovery it can be very frustrating. We come off our mats after a fabulous session, and immediately afterword we step into a difficult reality. Early recovery is when we begin to face what has become of our lives because of alcohol. It's hard to incorporate self-love while also feeling such profound regret. It's hard to cope with distressing emotions when we're used to having a substance help us get through our day.

One way we can bring peace from our mat into our messy lives is to do forward bending and sun salutations when we are feeling overwhelmed. If possible, escape to a private place and do 5-10 sun salutations, and each time you bring your hands in prayer to your heart, exhale strongly and leave a small opening in your hands to place the seed of your intention. What will be your intention? If you are needing this to cope with distress, intentions to face life with courage, react with calmness, or treat others with patience will likely emerge. Don't be upset with yourself if you react with anger or sadness. Healing takes time. Every time I practice on my mat, I will remind myself that I am in the process of healing life-long, deeply embedded wounds and scars, and this will take time. I will practice an attitude of patience and forgiveness. Remember that nothing can grow in complete darkness. Shine a light on your wounded soul.
Peace

I woke up healthy this morning

I think one of the worst consequences of living with alcohol addiction is waking up in the morning. I don't know how many mornings I awoke far too early, my brain insistent on being alert and focused, reminding me that I have become a woman I hate, an alcoholic. These mornings are unbelievably distressing. I would awaken with profound anxiety and self-loathing, wishing I could just keep sleeping. Many, many days I wished I had died in my sleep. To be addicted to alcohol is to live with a constant feeling of illness along with the knowledge that tomorrow won't be any different, no matter what you promise yourself in these early hours.

Today I woke up healthy. My head is clear and my body is rested. To have a healthy body is a gift, but it's a gift we all take for granted in our youth. We know that our bodies will not always be healthy, and we know how to treat our bodies well. Yet, so often we squander this gift because of our need to soothe our aching souls, eroding our health with substances and toxic foods. Now it's time to let go of those things that will only hurt me. The pain and grief I feel can be soothed with a nurturing practice of yoga and meditation. My healthy body will not be with me forever, so while I am blessed with this gift, I am making a promise to my body to give all I have to my recovery. 

Yoga at Dusk

Dusk Warrior

Well, it's November, time for the sky to darken and the trees to become bare. The rains are on their way, about to soak the earth in preparation for a long winter. The sun disappears from the sky, especially here in upstate New York. Typically, November marks the beginning of a fierce mental struggle for me. I often long for sunlight, and wish that I could live in a permanently sunny area of the world. When the trees drop their leaves, and the grass turns brown, as the clouds begin to cover the sky for days at a time, I tend to fall into sadness and grief.

But, it's an important time of the year. It's a time to recede into a dormant state, a state that allows us to slow down, recover, replenish, and renew. The trees need this period of slowness, of rest, in order to emerge full and thriving once again in the spring. So, too, must I. Now, I will be celebrating this turn of season. I have decided I will appreciate the beauty of the dusk sky. The most lovely time of day is dusk. Therefore, why not enjoy the beauty of the late fall as though indulging in a deep dusk period? This can be my time to slow down, sink into a warm cozy cocoon, feed my soul with quiet reflection, and appreciate the new season. My mind open for instruction, ready for gentle growth, today's pose will be moon. As dusk bleeds into our days, so also the moon will provide a gentle twilight reminding us that light can be found even beneath a darkened sky, and hope can be seen even within a darkened spirit.