So much relief!

What a difference a day makes! One long day of sobriety, and I woke up this morning so rested and peaceful. I have this feeling that I am working toward rejoining myself. I feel as if I've been separated from my real self for a long time. I feel like I don't know the person living inside my body. With sobriety and healing, I believe I can find my way back to my true being, and live in comfort in my own skin.

Yesterday's practice was odd. It was with a different instructor than usual, no music, very quiet and slow. I have to say that the gentle flow was restorative and gave me space to meditate where I could. I am sorry to say I was a little bored throughout the class. But, on the first day of abstinence, I'm still too tired from lost sleep and shaky from withdrawal symptoms, and I feel dull and listless throughout the day. Therefore, my reaction to the class was probably more a function of the static discomfort I was feeling inside my own skin.

I believe today will be a solo practice in my home. I will practice in the glorious sunlight coming through my window. Just like yesterday, the cleansing of my mind will be the center of my movements. I have no plans to work on or toward any particular asanas, but I want a full 1.5 hour session in cycles that work through all the needs of my body and mind.

I am jumping into a sober lifestyle with both feet

What I want is relief. I want to be sober. I have lived with a lot of uncertainty about this, because I have become unnaturally emotionally attached to red wine. But, now I feel different. I'd rather feel good than feel buzzed.The truth is that I want to feel like myself again. I've had a distorted sense of who I am and what is important in my life. It's time to turn the corner and rebuild myself. I realize the first few days can be difficult. I may feel down, or bored, or a sense that I "need" something but can't get it. Today, I'm taking a noon vinyasa class. The focus today will be on cleansing and restoring clarity to my mind, and on allowing my recent relapse to wash away.

I didn't make it through Friday

Relapse. I saw it coming for about 48 hours. Where did I go wrong? I would say that it was exactly when I  needed to be on my yoga mat - more than ever -, that I couldn't muster up the strength to do it. I knew I'd feel better, but I still wasn't able to make myself practice. I had succumbed to feeling depressed and sorry for myself. I kept asking "why me?" Why am I an addict? It's not fair. But, I have to face it, I don't have any choice. This is my reality, and the more acceptance I have, the better my chances for success. I only want to be happy again. In the future, I need to prepare for the eventuality that in the early days of sobriety, I will have some moments, some hours, and probably some days when I feel down. I know that I have to learn that what I need for my own happiness will come from within me. It's just that on Friday, I felt there was no way to reach inside of myself and find any strength. I felt I couldn't endure another moment of it. I thought about suicide. It was then that I realized that my antidepressants have been working well, but only as long as I'm drinking . I have obviously been using alcohol to lift my spirits, keep cravings away, and soothe my inner wounds. Where can I find something to take its place? I cannot keep myself sated by consuming substances or food. Again, it's time to turn to my mat, and open myself up to healing again. 

Dealing with intense grief and emotions

The long path of solitude

I haven't practiced in 2 days now. I've been coping with cravings for the last 3 days. The cravings last an average of 2 hours, sometimes longer. It's a strange feeling, less like an "urge" than an uncomfortable feeling deep in my chest and abdomen. Following the discomfort, I feel grumpy and I feel sorry for myself. Mentally, I become distracted and keep imagining wine in a glass or a cold microbrew. Then I think about all of the people in the world who can drink without being addicted. They can move through their lives without thinking about alcohol much, and may not feel like having a drink even when they're at a drinking social event. I long to be one of those people. I resent that this is my reality. I fear that I'll always be like this, either struggling with alcohol specifically, or else combatting addictive/compulsive behaviors and depression.

It seems that after 5 days of sobriety, I feel very depressed and grief-stricken. The grief comes from many severe losses. My mother committed suicide when I was 8 and I was raised by my alcoholic father and abusive step-mother. After years of putting my life in order (including 14 years abstinence from alcohol), at the age of 38 I had 3 miscarriages, one right after the other. Now, mother's day is approaching and all my friends have babies. They will celebrate mother's day with their child and with their own mothers. I will not. I have no mother, and I will never be a mother. The empty void seems bottomless. Now 5 years after the losses, I still cry for hours, bitter tears and sobs, feeling the crushing pain inside of me. It's hard to cope without alcohol.

I chose not to drink last night because I hope that with more sobriety I may learn a better way to comfort myself. It's important that I acknowledge the usefulness of alcohol, too. It does help to ease the pain, if only for a few hours, which is one of the reasons it's so tempting when I'm feeling low. Sometimes the self-medicating strategy backfires, though. I may be having a lovely time consuming a bottle of wine, but once I reach the bottom, something somewhere (either within myself or something in the environment) will trigger the grief. The pain is equally devastating, drunk or sober. Only if I continue with my plans to rebuild my inner life, using yoga, can I hope to heal. Can I heal? Will I ever live at peace in my own body?

Today I'm twisted around in my mind

I'm only checking in today. I did not practice yoga, and I feel pretty low. It's the 4th day without alcohol. I am battling intense cravings, along with the frustration that the urge, the desire, the need cannot be filled with anything else. Yoga would be very beneficial right now, but all I can do at this time is light some candles, put on some Shantala and do some sun salutations and stretches. And read. I love to read. This should inform me of the importance of maintaining a sober life. To suffer this is uncomfortable and it's chronic. I loathe addiction. I wonder if I can ever live without the need to reach for something outside of myself to comfort me.

Only yoga is helping me feel better

Photo: Hannah Willman

Last night's yoga practice was unbelievably restorative. I arrived at the studio in a bad mood. I felt down, dull, and listless. After 2 days of abstinence from alcohol, I felt how dependent I am on alcohol to improve and sustain my daily moods. Throughout the day, I may not drink, but I'm not far away from my medicine, so my moods are stable (and often joyful). I know that I rely on alcohol to improve my mood, to relieve stress, to relax when I'm exhausted, and to recover from the previous day's overindulgence. Without it, I'm on my own. It's too soon after my last drink for the natural ebb and flow of emotion and experience of internal rewards to return to normal. Nothing seems to keep me in good spirits for any long duration of time. One of the reasons alcohol becomes such a powerful addiction is because people can no longer find joy in other aspects of life. Non-drug joys are no longer rewarding the way they once were. And people who become addicted are often people who need to feel reward and experience peace. With the ability of natural rewards diminished, all there is room for is chemical rewards. They no longer provide the thrill they once did, but at least they can alleviate the suffering, if only for a moment.

But yoga sure helps! Last night's class was absolutely blissful. I spent the entire time deeply meditative on the mat. It mattered not which poses we were to move through during class. All I needed was to fall in and experience the relief provided during this hour and 15 minutes. One of the key poses during the session was the brave warrior. We spent a lot of time in sustained warrior poses. I felt that when the teacher announced the "brave warrior" that I was being empowered with bravery to face the challenge before me. It takes bravery to accept the nature of one's addiction, to come to terms with what we've suffered and lost, and to face a life of struggle without the substance.

After the class, I felt calm and peaceful. I was able to sleep like a baby, and I woke up happy. I don't have a class tonight, so I need to spend some time on my mat at home. Daily practice is key to reaping the benefits of yoga during this most important detox period. 

Success! My first handstand without assistance!!

Yesterday's yoga sessions were unbelievably healing and nurturing! My instructor continually reminded us that we are going through a time when we are leaving some things behind, perhaps leaving behind things that don't support us, and turning toward new things that support and sustain us. Many of the poses were those that require focus and balance, and she reminded us to use our base and our core to find stability. I was unable to do the moon variation "Ardha Chandra Chapasana." I faced this difficulty with acceptance. I said "not today." I don't need to demand that my body do everything that it can or used to be able to do every single day. I understand that my practice involves recognizing the limitations of my body and brain each time I come to my mat. After a bad night of drinking and a day filled with self-loathing and angst, I found that I did not have the balance and stability necessary for this pose. But as the session continued I was faced with working on my ability to get into a handstand. I have never been able to go upside down in this pose without assistance. I realized yesterday that as I push off using my right foot, I begin to go upside down and here is where I meet my fear: "I am not strong enough to support my whole body on my hands." I realized I AM strong enough! I can do it. I've done handstands with assistance, so I can reach that pose on my own. The next push-off, up I went, feet in the air (of course, against the wall!) and I'm all smiles! I called to my teacher, "Elizabeth! I went up all by myself!" The class all laughed and people congratulated me. I couldn't stop smiling. How wonderful it was to know I am strong, that I can overcome obstacles, that I can do things that help me feel good about who I am!

I hope this will be a long and beautiful journey

Today I am abstaining from alcohol. I will be in Anusara-Inspired yoga for and hour and fifteen minutes, followed by tea and reading in the main lounge of my studio, and then the restorative session in the evening. Never before has the term "restorative" meant so much to me. My intention for the yoga session will be set at freedom, as I move through my poses in such a way that I am destroying and burying that which does not support me, while I embrace and receive all that does support me. I will be turning inward to forgive and nourish my shattered mind, and in another breath I will open my heart to this new path and expand outward, reaching as far as I am capable. The intention for the evening restorative session should be healing, but I will wait and see what comes to me during the first "Om"

I am beaten

I have had enough, and I'm raising the white flag in defeat. I have been defeated by alcohol. I have posted this Shiva, often thought of as the god of destruction, to represent the tearing down and rebuilding of myself. I accept myself as a whole person, complete depite the fact that I'm shattered and flawed, because in accepting my wholeness, I also celebrate that I am beautiful and loving.