Healing takes time - be patient

It's difficult to not get impatient, especially when we begin recovery. I often find I am distressed at the fact that I have been forced to deal with psychological problems since I was a little girl. My mother committed suicide when I was 8 years old, and ever since I've been struggling with emotional issues. Because of my early life trauma, I have been less equipped to cope with distress than my peers.

Early recovery is a challenge because we have to learn to cope without using food, alcohol, cigarettes, or other external rewards. How do we learn to find inner rewards to help us get through a tough time? The first place to reach for your inner rewards is on the yoga mat. If, for 60-90 minutes, I am able to indulge in blissful body movements, calming meditation, healing, self-affirming mental intentions, I can begin to allow the healing I experience on the mat to infiltrate the rest of my life. But it doesn't transfer over perfectly and the peace we feel on our mat cannot eliminate distress. Life's inherent stressors won't allow us to live a perfectly peaceful life 100% of the time. Early in recovery it can be very frustrating. We come off our mats after a fabulous session, and immediately afterword we step into a difficult reality. Early recovery is when we begin to face what has become of our lives because of alcohol. It's hard to incorporate self-love while also feeling such profound regret. It's hard to cope with distressing emotions when we're used to having a substance help us get through our day.

One way we can bring peace from our mat into our messy lives is to do forward bending and sun salutations when we are feeling overwhelmed. If possible, escape to a private place and do 5-10 sun salutations, and each time you bring your hands in prayer to your heart, exhale strongly and leave a small opening in your hands to place the seed of your intention. What will be your intention? If you are needing this to cope with distress, intentions to face life with courage, react with calmness, or treat others with patience will likely emerge. Don't be upset with yourself if you react with anger or sadness. Healing takes time. Every time I practice on my mat, I will remind myself that I am in the process of healing life-long, deeply embedded wounds and scars, and this will take time. I will practice an attitude of patience and forgiveness. Remember that nothing can grow in complete darkness. Shine a light on your wounded soul.
Peace

I woke up healthy this morning

I think one of the worst consequences of living with alcohol addiction is waking up in the morning. I don't know how many mornings I awoke far too early, my brain insistent on being alert and focused, reminding me that I have become a woman I hate, an alcoholic. These mornings are unbelievably distressing. I would awaken with profound anxiety and self-loathing, wishing I could just keep sleeping. Many, many days I wished I had died in my sleep. To be addicted to alcohol is to live with a constant feeling of illness along with the knowledge that tomorrow won't be any different, no matter what you promise yourself in these early hours.

Today I woke up healthy. My head is clear and my body is rested. To have a healthy body is a gift, but it's a gift we all take for granted in our youth. We know that our bodies will not always be healthy, and we know how to treat our bodies well. Yet, so often we squander this gift because of our need to soothe our aching souls, eroding our health with substances and toxic foods. Now it's time to let go of those things that will only hurt me. The pain and grief I feel can be soothed with a nurturing practice of yoga and meditation. My healthy body will not be with me forever, so while I am blessed with this gift, I am making a promise to my body to give all I have to my recovery. 

Yoga at Dusk

Dusk Warrior

Well, it's November, time for the sky to darken and the trees to become bare. The rains are on their way, about to soak the earth in preparation for a long winter. The sun disappears from the sky, especially here in upstate New York. Typically, November marks the beginning of a fierce mental struggle for me. I often long for sunlight, and wish that I could live in a permanently sunny area of the world. When the trees drop their leaves, and the grass turns brown, as the clouds begin to cover the sky for days at a time, I tend to fall into sadness and grief.

But, it's an important time of the year. It's a time to recede into a dormant state, a state that allows us to slow down, recover, replenish, and renew. The trees need this period of slowness, of rest, in order to emerge full and thriving once again in the spring. So, too, must I. Now, I will be celebrating this turn of season. I have decided I will appreciate the beauty of the dusk sky. The most lovely time of day is dusk. Therefore, why not enjoy the beauty of the late fall as though indulging in a deep dusk period? This can be my time to slow down, sink into a warm cozy cocoon, feed my soul with quiet reflection, and appreciate the new season. My mind open for instruction, ready for gentle growth, today's pose will be moon. As dusk bleeds into our days, so also the moon will provide a gentle twilight reminding us that light can be found even beneath a darkened sky, and hope can be seen even within a darkened spirit.

My love and I practiced candlelight yoga together

Saturday night, in lieu of dinner and a movie, my husband and I decided to practice yoga together in our home. I am a more experienced yogi so I led the session and he followed. We practiced in unison without speaking to one another and the session went on for an hour and a half! We played the most lovely music and candles were lit all around us. It was so beautiful. As I was setting my intention, hands in prayer before my heart, I couldn't think of the word I wanted. I knew it was love and something about joining with him in a spiritual way, but I couldn't think of a name for the intention. I realized finally that the word I was searching for doesn't exist. There is no linguistic equivalent for the kind of unity I felt at that time. So I kept this nameless intention throughout the session. It was blissful, restorative, spectacular! My husband has been a dear friend and partner to me, supporting me completely in my struggle to cope with alcohol problems. He has nurtured me and loved me when I felt worthless and unloveable. I am dedicating my practice today in profound appreciation for what he has given me all these years.

Love Love Love

Feeling free, feeling joy

I don't know where the transition occurred, but I am clearly feeling free. I am so happy to be sober, so solidly grounded into the path I have chosen - where my recovery is derived from my own needs, my own strengths. On my mat yesterday, our instructor guided us in how to send unwanted thoughts on their way and the funniest thing happened. I was seated in meditation, and of course my obsession with alcohol was active. I visualized sending the obsession on its way, and I called up an image of a little gremlin-like blob, that was removed from my body and waddled around my mat, watching me practice yoga without it bothering me. I identified this creature as my addiction, and I thought it odd that I'd make it so cute. I had to do some alterations to make her seem a little more evil, but the final result was that I practiced yoga without obsessing! It was beautiful! And my new studio has big windows with several green plants in front. Outside the window you can see trees, the sky, and the hills of Ithaca in the distance. As the session progressed the sky turned lovely colors and the sun set, shavasana ending at dusk, my favorite time of day. The majestic blue peeking through the trees brought so much comfort and joy. I'm happy.

Namaste

Finding relief for mental obsessions

I started this blog when I began to realize that yoga was providing healing for my mental illnesses. I felt better about who I am, even during times of intense struggle with alcohol and depression. Now, I am abstaining from alcohol and I have been struggling with a constant obsession about my drinking problem. In addition, I have been turning to sugar to relieve some of my cravings. It definitely helps, but it doesn't truly alleviate the discomfort. Truthfully, cravings aren't the end of the world. They don't cause me agony (agony like the cravings I experienced when I quit smoking). But, when trying to recover from addiction or depression or eating disorders, we all want to know "how long?" How long will I experience discomfort? How frequently do I have to put up with thoughts intruding into my life about consuming something to make me feel good?

Today, my practice is going to center around alleviating obsession, clearing the mind. On the mat, I will do my best to sink into a meditative state that is free from addictive thoughts, and then I will take the practice off my mat, incorporating an addict-free mentality throughout the day. It's not easy, and the battle can only be won a moment at a time.

Namaste

One week sober today

I have practiced the last 3 days in a row. My life is in a huge state of transition, but I plan to come to my mat every day even if I can't attend a class. Last night's class was so cleansing. I almost didn't go, because I felt sluggish and achy, and generally unmotivated. But, man I was so glad I went! My teacher brought her 2 little nieces visiting from Africa and they trotted around and touched us in child's pose and down-dog. It was great to see such adorable girls! They made me feel good about life.

The practice itself was awe-inspiring. I don't have words to describe it. We moved through a lot of heart-opening poses and backbends, culminating in my favorite moon pose-to transition from July to August, the heart of summer to the closing of summer, my favorite season. Spiritually, I felt my intention was support. Through all my poses I tried to remember to strongly pull my strength toward my center (my spine and my core) where I am supported in all my actions.

I am feeling so much better. The first 3 days of sobriety were very difficult emotionally, and I wondered when I'd ever come out of the fog. I am so relieved it was a short-lived misery.

Namaste~

It's been a long time since I've blogged....

It's been a long and ardous break from my yoga and recovery, blog and real life. I've had some ups and downs, successes and failures. But, I began to feel that I couldn't attempt to drink in moderation and recover. The more I felt that way, the more frequent my binges became, until the day I had chosen to *quit* forever, I ended up commencing on a 48-hour bender. I drank continuously, breaking only to fall asleep/pass our for short durations of time. I didn't eat, brush my teeth, or shower. At the break of my bender I awoke with a painful hip and unexplained bruises. I also awakend to the realization that this misery has to end. I fear that the nature of my addiction is like everyone's, a cycle of recovery followed by relapse, but I also feel very strongly that my nightmare is over or at least it's ending.

I have 4 days of sobriety and I feel like this one is for keeps. Let's hope it is. I have been to some support groups and have been very turned off by members who insist they know what I must do, and insist that they know the way for every alcoholic. I don't think that abstinence support groups are right for me because they often overlook an individual's autonomy to find their own path.

So, back to my mat I went today. I felt very lethargic and very emotionally volatile. I began to cry at the beginning of class. I wondered how I would get through it. When my teacher told us to send our breath where it was tight, I sent my breath to my head. I wondered if I would ever live peacefully, free of mental illness and addiction. I brought more breath in. As the class flowed, a slow deep flow yoga, I felt more and more emotional relief. It was amazing how 4 days of emotional distress was alleviated in one session.

I'm having insomnia tonight, but I had a breakthrough in how I want to approach my search for support. I know who I have in my life that I can trust with my most intimate problems, and I don't need a professional, or a hospital, or an online chat group. I need people I love who I trust will always see my strength. And, I have them.

And, I have my practice along with my fellow yogis, finding my way out of this.

Namaste

I'm happy to report I've experienced more growth in my recovery



It's been a month since I've posted here, for many reasons. I have been struggling with relapse and through many days of the past several weeks. I've had difficulty finding any peace, even in my practice. But, I've begun abstaining more frequently and consistently, and I have a strong vision toward permanent sobriety. It's been difficult facing and accepting the nature of my addiction, especially the horrendous war that's waged in my psyche between the desire to drink and the desire to be sober. Today, I had a wonderful day, free of alcohol, and a healing nurturing practice. My intention easily came to me at the start of class: to celebrate who I am. This mentality has never entered my practice before. I often try to love who I am, or accept myself with flaws, but it's always trying to combat self hatred with some new feeling of love. Often, all I can find is acceptance, and not always. Today I felt a strong degree of self-love. I appreciated the progress I've made, I appreciated my mind for the ways in which it supports me. I have grown to love myself for a number of qualities I have, and I understand now that I am not repulsive simply because I have an addiction to alcohol. Iam actually a competent and lovely woman. I'd like to share the traditional Buddhist prayer - Rimpoche Nawang Gehlek - my instructor uses at the end of every class:

May all beings find happiness and the causes of happiness
May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering
May all beings never be parted from freedom's true joy
May all beings dwell in equanimity free from attachment and aversion.

Namaste

Today's pose: the courageous warrior

I had an awakening. I suddenly became overwhelmed with the sense that I desire to be whole, healthy, and good. I want to reach deep into my innermost soul to find the strength I know must live there - the strength to live my life with integrity (and SANITY), facing life's challenges without fear, coping with disappointment and grief rather than being overwhelmed. I've succumbed so often to negative attitudes about myself, my mind, my addiction, my mental illness. I have so often believed I'm ugly and dark and rotten inside. But I'm not. It's merely a reflection of my suffering. There is another way to live, and I can achieve that today. I can have peace and acceptance. Today's pose is the courageous warrior. Today I will have the courage to face my life, my reality, accept that the past is gone forever. I want to be good. I want to be wonderful. I want to be loved by others, but I also need be loved by me. Today that is possible.

Today's practice: the beautiful pink lotus

Today's practice centered on the lotus flower and lotus poses. So many wonderful twists and binds!  It's been raining for several days straight, and we're all feeling wet, cold, and grimy, and yes...a little depressed. At one point our teacher told us that the lotus is a beautiful pink flower that grows in a muddy river. It's worth paying attention to the fact that something so beautiful which represents peace and balance is derived from dirt. It's also the only plant to fruit and flower at the same time. I couldn't help but take on this image for myself. My heart, my soul, my being is tremendously beautiful. All that I am has been cultivated within a world of grief and loss, addiction and depression. Yet, I've emerged a wonderful woman. I may be addicted to a substance, but it doesn't make me wholly flawed. It reminds me I'm wholly human. The entire class today, my intention was to live inside my body. Some days I wish I could just leave myself for awhile, go to sleep and not come back for a few days. I wish I could climb out of my skin. Tonight, I'm happy to be living inside of my skin, thanks to this blissful practice.

Feeling strong, healing inside

I find I'm having a lot of positive reflections and insights about my illness. I've grown tremendously, despite the numerous relapses into drinking. I'm on another sober stretch - planned for 5 days - and I'm preparing to start a 30 day stretch. I abstained without any difficulty last night, and my yoga session felt wonderful, as if I were cleansing away the negative images of myself and my life that linger in my mind.

I finally feel a real sense of my own worth. This is largely because I have so many people around me that continuously tell me that I'm special, wonderful, loveable, and awesome.

I try to remind myself that everything I need can be found within myself. Still, I wish I could generate such self-praise on my own, but the truth is: sometimes what I need comes from my loved ones, and it's a wonderful gift.

I believe that 2 years of yoga and antidepressant treatment, plus nurturing, loving relationships, have all contributed to my recovery. I feel that I've benefitted greatly, and I feel that a life of inner peace and sobriety is in my grasp. I no longer feel I am doomed to repeat the same cycle of abstain-relapse-despair-repeat that I lived for so long. I no longer feel hopeless.

Cultivating inner rewards

It should be obvious from many of the reflections written here that I've been practicing yoga for a few years now, despite my failure to cut back or quit drinking. I've been in Moderation Management for a couple of years, and it has given me a lot of needed relief from drinking and the guilt and shame accompanying my drinking problem. I've managed to abstain and moderate for long stretches of time, but then I slip back into old habits easily. I believe I need to abstain forever to achieve the recovery I need and so badly want. Until I succeed in sobriety, I will continue to cultivate new ways of thinking and coping. I have benefitted tremendously from my practice, and I feel I've gained more insight and strength from yoga than I ever did with my clinical psychologist. The mindfulness I've developed on my mat has grown to include mindfulness about my body in other areas. I'm taking a different attitude toward my drinking. I haven't been drunk in weeks, and I don't feel ashamed or guilty anymore. This is a problem many people struggle with, and I am working daily on tackling the beast. Many people do great things in their life, even when drinking heavily, including me. All I want is to take care of my mind, my soul, my heart. I am embarking on a 5-day abstinence stretch with 5 days of yoga, and 5 days of organic healthy eating. I'm looking forward to spending most of my time over these 5 days healing and nourishing my mind.

I hate that I struggle with drinking. I hate that it is occupying so much mental space. I hate CRAVINGS. Yet, I can't stay away from the stuff. I'll make a resolution just for today. Tomorrow I can pick it up again if I want. Today I will love myself, and I will accept that I have an addiction, but that doesn't mean I'm bad, icky, ugly, gross, or otherwise awful. In fact, I live a very textured and inspiring life. So, I will appreciate my body and brain for what it is, and accept that it is flawed and human.

So much relief!

What a difference a day makes! One long day of sobriety, and I woke up this morning so rested and peaceful. I have this feeling that I am working toward rejoining myself. I feel as if I've been separated from my real self for a long time. I feel like I don't know the person living inside my body. With sobriety and healing, I believe I can find my way back to my true being, and live in comfort in my own skin.

Yesterday's practice was odd. It was with a different instructor than usual, no music, very quiet and slow. I have to say that the gentle flow was restorative and gave me space to meditate where I could. I am sorry to say I was a little bored throughout the class. But, on the first day of abstinence, I'm still too tired from lost sleep and shaky from withdrawal symptoms, and I feel dull and listless throughout the day. Therefore, my reaction to the class was probably more a function of the static discomfort I was feeling inside my own skin.

I believe today will be a solo practice in my home. I will practice in the glorious sunlight coming through my window. Just like yesterday, the cleansing of my mind will be the center of my movements. I have no plans to work on or toward any particular asanas, but I want a full 1.5 hour session in cycles that work through all the needs of my body and mind.

I am jumping into a sober lifestyle with both feet

What I want is relief. I want to be sober. I have lived with a lot of uncertainty about this, because I have become unnaturally emotionally attached to red wine. But, now I feel different. I'd rather feel good than feel buzzed.The truth is that I want to feel like myself again. I've had a distorted sense of who I am and what is important in my life. It's time to turn the corner and rebuild myself. I realize the first few days can be difficult. I may feel down, or bored, or a sense that I "need" something but can't get it. Today, I'm taking a noon vinyasa class. The focus today will be on cleansing and restoring clarity to my mind, and on allowing my recent relapse to wash away.

I didn't make it through Friday

Relapse. I saw it coming for about 48 hours. Where did I go wrong? I would say that it was exactly when I  needed to be on my yoga mat - more than ever -, that I couldn't muster up the strength to do it. I knew I'd feel better, but I still wasn't able to make myself practice. I had succumbed to feeling depressed and sorry for myself. I kept asking "why me?" Why am I an addict? It's not fair. But, I have to face it, I don't have any choice. This is my reality, and the more acceptance I have, the better my chances for success. I only want to be happy again. In the future, I need to prepare for the eventuality that in the early days of sobriety, I will have some moments, some hours, and probably some days when I feel down. I know that I have to learn that what I need for my own happiness will come from within me. It's just that on Friday, I felt there was no way to reach inside of myself and find any strength. I felt I couldn't endure another moment of it. I thought about suicide. It was then that I realized that my antidepressants have been working well, but only as long as I'm drinking . I have obviously been using alcohol to lift my spirits, keep cravings away, and soothe my inner wounds. Where can I find something to take its place? I cannot keep myself sated by consuming substances or food. Again, it's time to turn to my mat, and open myself up to healing again. 

Dealing with intense grief and emotions

The long path of solitude

I haven't practiced in 2 days now. I've been coping with cravings for the last 3 days. The cravings last an average of 2 hours, sometimes longer. It's a strange feeling, less like an "urge" than an uncomfortable feeling deep in my chest and abdomen. Following the discomfort, I feel grumpy and I feel sorry for myself. Mentally, I become distracted and keep imagining wine in a glass or a cold microbrew. Then I think about all of the people in the world who can drink without being addicted. They can move through their lives without thinking about alcohol much, and may not feel like having a drink even when they're at a drinking social event. I long to be one of those people. I resent that this is my reality. I fear that I'll always be like this, either struggling with alcohol specifically, or else combatting addictive/compulsive behaviors and depression.

It seems that after 5 days of sobriety, I feel very depressed and grief-stricken. The grief comes from many severe losses. My mother committed suicide when I was 8 and I was raised by my alcoholic father and abusive step-mother. After years of putting my life in order (including 14 years abstinence from alcohol), at the age of 38 I had 3 miscarriages, one right after the other. Now, mother's day is approaching and all my friends have babies. They will celebrate mother's day with their child and with their own mothers. I will not. I have no mother, and I will never be a mother. The empty void seems bottomless. Now 5 years after the losses, I still cry for hours, bitter tears and sobs, feeling the crushing pain inside of me. It's hard to cope without alcohol.

I chose not to drink last night because I hope that with more sobriety I may learn a better way to comfort myself. It's important that I acknowledge the usefulness of alcohol, too. It does help to ease the pain, if only for a few hours, which is one of the reasons it's so tempting when I'm feeling low. Sometimes the self-medicating strategy backfires, though. I may be having a lovely time consuming a bottle of wine, but once I reach the bottom, something somewhere (either within myself or something in the environment) will trigger the grief. The pain is equally devastating, drunk or sober. Only if I continue with my plans to rebuild my inner life, using yoga, can I hope to heal. Can I heal? Will I ever live at peace in my own body?

Today I'm twisted around in my mind

I'm only checking in today. I did not practice yoga, and I feel pretty low. It's the 4th day without alcohol. I am battling intense cravings, along with the frustration that the urge, the desire, the need cannot be filled with anything else. Yoga would be very beneficial right now, but all I can do at this time is light some candles, put on some Shantala and do some sun salutations and stretches. And read. I love to read. This should inform me of the importance of maintaining a sober life. To suffer this is uncomfortable and it's chronic. I loathe addiction. I wonder if I can ever live without the need to reach for something outside of myself to comfort me.

Only yoga is helping me feel better

Photo: Hannah Willman

Last night's yoga practice was unbelievably restorative. I arrived at the studio in a bad mood. I felt down, dull, and listless. After 2 days of abstinence from alcohol, I felt how dependent I am on alcohol to improve and sustain my daily moods. Throughout the day, I may not drink, but I'm not far away from my medicine, so my moods are stable (and often joyful). I know that I rely on alcohol to improve my mood, to relieve stress, to relax when I'm exhausted, and to recover from the previous day's overindulgence. Without it, I'm on my own. It's too soon after my last drink for the natural ebb and flow of emotion and experience of internal rewards to return to normal. Nothing seems to keep me in good spirits for any long duration of time. One of the reasons alcohol becomes such a powerful addiction is because people can no longer find joy in other aspects of life. Non-drug joys are no longer rewarding the way they once were. And people who become addicted are often people who need to feel reward and experience peace. With the ability of natural rewards diminished, all there is room for is chemical rewards. They no longer provide the thrill they once did, but at least they can alleviate the suffering, if only for a moment.

But yoga sure helps! Last night's class was absolutely blissful. I spent the entire time deeply meditative on the mat. It mattered not which poses we were to move through during class. All I needed was to fall in and experience the relief provided during this hour and 15 minutes. One of the key poses during the session was the brave warrior. We spent a lot of time in sustained warrior poses. I felt that when the teacher announced the "brave warrior" that I was being empowered with bravery to face the challenge before me. It takes bravery to accept the nature of one's addiction, to come to terms with what we've suffered and lost, and to face a life of struggle without the substance.

After the class, I felt calm and peaceful. I was able to sleep like a baby, and I woke up happy. I don't have a class tonight, so I need to spend some time on my mat at home. Daily practice is key to reaping the benefits of yoga during this most important detox period. 

Success! My first handstand without assistance!!

Yesterday's yoga sessions were unbelievably healing and nurturing! My instructor continually reminded us that we are going through a time when we are leaving some things behind, perhaps leaving behind things that don't support us, and turning toward new things that support and sustain us. Many of the poses were those that require focus and balance, and she reminded us to use our base and our core to find stability. I was unable to do the moon variation "Ardha Chandra Chapasana." I faced this difficulty with acceptance. I said "not today." I don't need to demand that my body do everything that it can or used to be able to do every single day. I understand that my practice involves recognizing the limitations of my body and brain each time I come to my mat. After a bad night of drinking and a day filled with self-loathing and angst, I found that I did not have the balance and stability necessary for this pose. But as the session continued I was faced with working on my ability to get into a handstand. I have never been able to go upside down in this pose without assistance. I realized yesterday that as I push off using my right foot, I begin to go upside down and here is where I meet my fear: "I am not strong enough to support my whole body on my hands." I realized I AM strong enough! I can do it. I've done handstands with assistance, so I can reach that pose on my own. The next push-off, up I went, feet in the air (of course, against the wall!) and I'm all smiles! I called to my teacher, "Elizabeth! I went up all by myself!" The class all laughed and people congratulated me. I couldn't stop smiling. How wonderful it was to know I am strong, that I can overcome obstacles, that I can do things that help me feel good about who I am!

I hope this will be a long and beautiful journey

Today I am abstaining from alcohol. I will be in Anusara-Inspired yoga for and hour and fifteen minutes, followed by tea and reading in the main lounge of my studio, and then the restorative session in the evening. Never before has the term "restorative" meant so much to me. My intention for the yoga session will be set at freedom, as I move through my poses in such a way that I am destroying and burying that which does not support me, while I embrace and receive all that does support me. I will be turning inward to forgive and nourish my shattered mind, and in another breath I will open my heart to this new path and expand outward, reaching as far as I am capable. The intention for the evening restorative session should be healing, but I will wait and see what comes to me during the first "Om"

I am beaten

I have had enough, and I'm raising the white flag in defeat. I have been defeated by alcohol. I have posted this Shiva, often thought of as the god of destruction, to represent the tearing down and rebuilding of myself. I accept myself as a whole person, complete depite the fact that I'm shattered and flawed, because in accepting my wholeness, I also celebrate that I am beautiful and loving.