It's been a long and ardous break from my yoga and recovery, blog and real life. I've had some ups and downs, successes and failures. But, I began to feel that I couldn't attempt to drink in moderation and recover. The more I felt that way, the more frequent my binges became, until the day I had chosen to *quit* forever, I ended up commencing on a 48-hour bender. I drank continuously, breaking only to fall asleep/pass our for short durations of time. I didn't eat, brush my teeth, or shower. At the break of my bender I awoke with a painful hip and unexplained bruises. I also awakend to the realization that this misery has to end. I fear that the nature of my addiction is like everyone's, a cycle of recovery followed by relapse, but I also feel very strongly that my nightmare is over or at least it's ending.
I have 4 days of sobriety and I feel like this one is for keeps. Let's hope it is. I have been to some support groups and have been very turned off by members who insist they know what I must do, and insist that they know the way for every alcoholic. I don't think that abstinence support groups are right for me because they often overlook an individual's autonomy to find their own path.
So, back to my mat I went today. I felt very lethargic and very emotionally volatile. I began to cry at the beginning of class. I wondered how I would get through it. When my teacher told us to send our breath where it was tight, I sent my breath to my head. I wondered if I would ever live peacefully, free of mental illness and addiction. I brought more breath in. As the class flowed, a slow deep flow yoga, I felt more and more emotional relief. It was amazing how 4 days of emotional distress was alleviated in one session.
I'm having insomnia tonight, but I had a breakthrough in how I want to approach my search for support. I know who I have in my life that I can trust with my most intimate problems, and I don't need a professional, or a hospital, or an online chat group. I need people I love who I trust will always see my strength. And, I have them.
And, I have my practice along with my fellow yogis, finding my way out of this.
Namaste
