"Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles, and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” ~ Lao-tzu

The answer was "no. I don't." And, I didn't. But, let me say this...the pink lotus is a flower that grows through mud at the bottom of ponds, and arises above the water. Since then, I have discovered many such flowers growing out of my own muddy waters.

This week has been no exception.
Thank you, friends.

Sober, not free

Yoga Art by Gosia Janik

I have abstained from alcohol for nearly 2 months now. I have been enjoying many gifts because of my sobriety, but many rewards I so looked forward to receiving have remained elusive. I find it difficult to control my anxiety and I am feeling overwhelmed with stress. I was away from my mat again for a prolonged period and went back yesterday for a wonderful class. After class, it was as though my bundled up, twisted, tangled body and mind was released from bondage for the evening. My intention came to my mat at the moment of sun salutation when I realized all I wanted from yoga is to escape. Escape from worry, fret, paranoia, sadness, and disappointment. Escape from my continual waking knowledge of the world I pieced together with sadness and alcohol. Escape from my mind, tormenting me. And it works! Up until shavasana, at which point the hamster hopped back into the wheel and my mind went back to my troubles.

Yoga greatly alleviated my suffering while I was struggling with alcohol. Despite my frustration with addiction, yoga brought me many peaceful days and nights. My only real hope for a lasting recovery is to return to my mat and weave those intentions into my waking life.

Today, I'm devoting my practice to those who are still suffering

I didn't post in December because of a terrible relapse. I moved to a new town and a new job 6 months ago, and pretty much buckled under the stress. My drinking took on a self-destructive form, greater than I had ever experienced before. I found my way out again, and I am beyond relieved to be sober and in good shape physically and mentally. I believe this would not be possible without antidepressants. I have been depressed most of my life, and I am realistic about the necessity of drugs for my survival. I have suffered so profoundly, so deeply, descending into a darkness I never knew existed before my untimely arrival into that place. I can't describe the pain. I don't want you to know what it feels like. I never understood alcoholism before I experienced the madness firsthand, and therefore hope you don't understand me either. But, my dear, loving friends and husband have shown me nothing but love, patience, and kindness. I have seen them suffer on my behalf, and although I wish they never witnessed my insanity, nonetheless I have been uplifted by their commitment to me as a human being. I'll never be able to repay them, but today, I am offering my practice to the universe in hopes it finds my fellow sufferers. I wish I could open my heart and share the peace I feel right now with those who are still entangled.