It's been a month since I've posted here, for many reasons. I have been struggling with relapse and through many days of the past several weeks. I've had difficulty finding any peace, even in my practice. But, I've begun abstaining more frequently and consistently, and I have a strong vision toward permanent sobriety. It's been difficult facing and accepting the nature of my addiction, especially the horrendous war that's waged in my psyche between the desire to drink and the desire to be sober. Today, I had a wonderful day, free of alcohol, and a healing nurturing practice. My intention easily came to me at the start of class: to celebrate who I am. This mentality has never entered my practice before. I often try to love who I am, or accept myself with flaws, but it's always trying to combat self hatred with some new feeling of love. Often, all I can find is acceptance, and not always. Today I felt a strong degree of self-love. I appreciated the progress I've made, I appreciated my mind for the ways in which it supports me. I have grown to love myself for a number of qualities I have, and I understand now that I am not repulsive simply because I have an addiction to alcohol. Iam actually a competent and lovely woman. I'd like to share the traditional Buddhist prayer - Rimpoche Nawang Gehlek - my instructor uses at the end of every class:May all beings find happiness and the causes of happiness
May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering
May all beings never be parted from freedom's true joy
May all beings dwell in equanimity free from attachment and aversion.
Namaste
