My love and I practiced candlelight yoga together

Saturday night, in lieu of dinner and a movie, my husband and I decided to practice yoga together in our home. I am a more experienced yogi so I led the session and he followed. We practiced in unison without speaking to one another and the session went on for an hour and a half! We played the most lovely music and candles were lit all around us. It was so beautiful. As I was setting my intention, hands in prayer before my heart, I couldn't think of the word I wanted. I knew it was love and something about joining with him in a spiritual way, but I couldn't think of a name for the intention. I realized finally that the word I was searching for doesn't exist. There is no linguistic equivalent for the kind of unity I felt at that time. So I kept this nameless intention throughout the session. It was blissful, restorative, spectacular! My husband has been a dear friend and partner to me, supporting me completely in my struggle to cope with alcohol problems. He has nurtured me and loved me when I felt worthless and unloveable. I am dedicating my practice today in profound appreciation for what he has given me all these years.

Love Love Love

Feeling free, feeling joy

I don't know where the transition occurred, but I am clearly feeling free. I am so happy to be sober, so solidly grounded into the path I have chosen - where my recovery is derived from my own needs, my own strengths. On my mat yesterday, our instructor guided us in how to send unwanted thoughts on their way and the funniest thing happened. I was seated in meditation, and of course my obsession with alcohol was active. I visualized sending the obsession on its way, and I called up an image of a little gremlin-like blob, that was removed from my body and waddled around my mat, watching me practice yoga without it bothering me. I identified this creature as my addiction, and I thought it odd that I'd make it so cute. I had to do some alterations to make her seem a little more evil, but the final result was that I practiced yoga without obsessing! It was beautiful! And my new studio has big windows with several green plants in front. Outside the window you can see trees, the sky, and the hills of Ithaca in the distance. As the session progressed the sky turned lovely colors and the sun set, shavasana ending at dusk, my favorite time of day. The majestic blue peeking through the trees brought so much comfort and joy. I'm happy.

Namaste

Finding relief for mental obsessions

I started this blog when I began to realize that yoga was providing healing for my mental illnesses. I felt better about who I am, even during times of intense struggle with alcohol and depression. Now, I am abstaining from alcohol and I have been struggling with a constant obsession about my drinking problem. In addition, I have been turning to sugar to relieve some of my cravings. It definitely helps, but it doesn't truly alleviate the discomfort. Truthfully, cravings aren't the end of the world. They don't cause me agony (agony like the cravings I experienced when I quit smoking). But, when trying to recover from addiction or depression or eating disorders, we all want to know "how long?" How long will I experience discomfort? How frequently do I have to put up with thoughts intruding into my life about consuming something to make me feel good?

Today, my practice is going to center around alleviating obsession, clearing the mind. On the mat, I will do my best to sink into a meditative state that is free from addictive thoughts, and then I will take the practice off my mat, incorporating an addict-free mentality throughout the day. It's not easy, and the battle can only be won a moment at a time.

Namaste

One week sober today

I have practiced the last 3 days in a row. My life is in a huge state of transition, but I plan to come to my mat every day even if I can't attend a class. Last night's class was so cleansing. I almost didn't go, because I felt sluggish and achy, and generally unmotivated. But, man I was so glad I went! My teacher brought her 2 little nieces visiting from Africa and they trotted around and touched us in child's pose and down-dog. It was great to see such adorable girls! They made me feel good about life.

The practice itself was awe-inspiring. I don't have words to describe it. We moved through a lot of heart-opening poses and backbends, culminating in my favorite moon pose-to transition from July to August, the heart of summer to the closing of summer, my favorite season. Spiritually, I felt my intention was support. Through all my poses I tried to remember to strongly pull my strength toward my center (my spine and my core) where I am supported in all my actions.

I am feeling so much better. The first 3 days of sobriety were very difficult emotionally, and I wondered when I'd ever come out of the fog. I am so relieved it was a short-lived misery.

Namaste~

It's been a long time since I've blogged....

It's been a long and ardous break from my yoga and recovery, blog and real life. I've had some ups and downs, successes and failures. But, I began to feel that I couldn't attempt to drink in moderation and recover. The more I felt that way, the more frequent my binges became, until the day I had chosen to *quit* forever, I ended up commencing on a 48-hour bender. I drank continuously, breaking only to fall asleep/pass our for short durations of time. I didn't eat, brush my teeth, or shower. At the break of my bender I awoke with a painful hip and unexplained bruises. I also awakend to the realization that this misery has to end. I fear that the nature of my addiction is like everyone's, a cycle of recovery followed by relapse, but I also feel very strongly that my nightmare is over or at least it's ending.

I have 4 days of sobriety and I feel like this one is for keeps. Let's hope it is. I have been to some support groups and have been very turned off by members who insist they know what I must do, and insist that they know the way for every alcoholic. I don't think that abstinence support groups are right for me because they often overlook an individual's autonomy to find their own path.

So, back to my mat I went today. I felt very lethargic and very emotionally volatile. I began to cry at the beginning of class. I wondered how I would get through it. When my teacher told us to send our breath where it was tight, I sent my breath to my head. I wondered if I would ever live peacefully, free of mental illness and addiction. I brought more breath in. As the class flowed, a slow deep flow yoga, I felt more and more emotional relief. It was amazing how 4 days of emotional distress was alleviated in one session.

I'm having insomnia tonight, but I had a breakthrough in how I want to approach my search for support. I know who I have in my life that I can trust with my most intimate problems, and I don't need a professional, or a hospital, or an online chat group. I need people I love who I trust will always see my strength. And, I have them.

And, I have my practice along with my fellow yogis, finding my way out of this.

Namaste

I'm happy to report I've experienced more growth in my recovery



It's been a month since I've posted here, for many reasons. I have been struggling with relapse and through many days of the past several weeks. I've had difficulty finding any peace, even in my practice. But, I've begun abstaining more frequently and consistently, and I have a strong vision toward permanent sobriety. It's been difficult facing and accepting the nature of my addiction, especially the horrendous war that's waged in my psyche between the desire to drink and the desire to be sober. Today, I had a wonderful day, free of alcohol, and a healing nurturing practice. My intention easily came to me at the start of class: to celebrate who I am. This mentality has never entered my practice before. I often try to love who I am, or accept myself with flaws, but it's always trying to combat self hatred with some new feeling of love. Often, all I can find is acceptance, and not always. Today I felt a strong degree of self-love. I appreciated the progress I've made, I appreciated my mind for the ways in which it supports me. I have grown to love myself for a number of qualities I have, and I understand now that I am not repulsive simply because I have an addiction to alcohol. Iam actually a competent and lovely woman. I'd like to share the traditional Buddhist prayer - Rimpoche Nawang Gehlek - my instructor uses at the end of every class:

May all beings find happiness and the causes of happiness
May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering
May all beings never be parted from freedom's true joy
May all beings dwell in equanimity free from attachment and aversion.

Namaste

Today's pose: the courageous warrior

I had an awakening. I suddenly became overwhelmed with the sense that I desire to be whole, healthy, and good. I want to reach deep into my innermost soul to find the strength I know must live there - the strength to live my life with integrity (and SANITY), facing life's challenges without fear, coping with disappointment and grief rather than being overwhelmed. I've succumbed so often to negative attitudes about myself, my mind, my addiction, my mental illness. I have so often believed I'm ugly and dark and rotten inside. But I'm not. It's merely a reflection of my suffering. There is another way to live, and I can achieve that today. I can have peace and acceptance. Today's pose is the courageous warrior. Today I will have the courage to face my life, my reality, accept that the past is gone forever. I want to be good. I want to be wonderful. I want to be loved by others, but I also need be loved by me. Today that is possible.