It's been a long and ardous break from my yoga and recovery, blog and real life. I've had some ups and downs, successes and failures. But, I began to feel that I couldn't attempt to drink in moderation and recover. The more I felt that way, the more frequent my binges became, until the day I had chosen to *quit* forever, I ended up commencing on a 48-hour bender. I drank continuously, breaking only to fall asleep/pass our for short durations of time. I didn't eat, brush my teeth, or shower. At the break of my bender I awoke with a painful hip and unexplained bruises. I also awakend to the realization that this misery has to end. I fear that the nature of my addiction is like everyone's, a cycle of recovery followed by relapse, but I also feel very strongly that my nightmare is over or at least it's ending.
I have 4 days of sobriety and I feel like this one is for keeps. Let's hope it is. I have been to some support groups and have been very turned off by members who insist they know what I must do, and insist that they know the way for every alcoholic. I don't think that abstinence support groups are right for me because they often overlook an individual's autonomy to find their own path.
So, back to my mat I went today. I felt very lethargic and very emotionally volatile. I began to cry at the beginning of class. I wondered how I would get through it. When my teacher told us to send our breath where it was tight, I sent my breath to my head. I wondered if I would ever live peacefully, free of mental illness and addiction. I brought more breath in. As the class flowed, a slow deep flow yoga, I felt more and more emotional relief. It was amazing how 4 days of emotional distress was alleviated in one session.
I'm having insomnia tonight, but I had a breakthrough in how I want to approach my search for support. I know who I have in my life that I can trust with my most intimate problems, and I don't need a professional, or a hospital, or an online chat group. I need people I love who I trust will always see my strength. And, I have them.
And, I have my practice along with my fellow yogis, finding my way out of this.
Namaste
Evi, I'm so glad you found your way to where your're at today. I, too, feel like this time is "the time". Let's help each other advance on this path. Also like you, I don't like the "our way or the highway" approach of some of the message boards. I like to find my own way which is why you'll probably see me more on the MMList than the others, they are a little more excepting of individuality. Keep doing what you're doing chica, it seems to be working.
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