It's been a long time since I've blogged....

It's been a long and ardous break from my yoga and recovery, blog and real life. I've had some ups and downs, successes and failures. But, I began to feel that I couldn't attempt to drink in moderation and recover. The more I felt that way, the more frequent my binges became, until the day I had chosen to *quit* forever, I ended up commencing on a 48-hour bender. I drank continuously, breaking only to fall asleep/pass our for short durations of time. I didn't eat, brush my teeth, or shower. At the break of my bender I awoke with a painful hip and unexplained bruises. I also awakend to the realization that this misery has to end. I fear that the nature of my addiction is like everyone's, a cycle of recovery followed by relapse, but I also feel very strongly that my nightmare is over or at least it's ending.

I have 4 days of sobriety and I feel like this one is for keeps. Let's hope it is. I have been to some support groups and have been very turned off by members who insist they know what I must do, and insist that they know the way for every alcoholic. I don't think that abstinence support groups are right for me because they often overlook an individual's autonomy to find their own path.

So, back to my mat I went today. I felt very lethargic and very emotionally volatile. I began to cry at the beginning of class. I wondered how I would get through it. When my teacher told us to send our breath where it was tight, I sent my breath to my head. I wondered if I would ever live peacefully, free of mental illness and addiction. I brought more breath in. As the class flowed, a slow deep flow yoga, I felt more and more emotional relief. It was amazing how 4 days of emotional distress was alleviated in one session.

I'm having insomnia tonight, but I had a breakthrough in how I want to approach my search for support. I know who I have in my life that I can trust with my most intimate problems, and I don't need a professional, or a hospital, or an online chat group. I need people I love who I trust will always see my strength. And, I have them.

And, I have my practice along with my fellow yogis, finding my way out of this.

Namaste

I'm happy to report I've experienced more growth in my recovery



It's been a month since I've posted here, for many reasons. I have been struggling with relapse and through many days of the past several weeks. I've had difficulty finding any peace, even in my practice. But, I've begun abstaining more frequently and consistently, and I have a strong vision toward permanent sobriety. It's been difficult facing and accepting the nature of my addiction, especially the horrendous war that's waged in my psyche between the desire to drink and the desire to be sober. Today, I had a wonderful day, free of alcohol, and a healing nurturing practice. My intention easily came to me at the start of class: to celebrate who I am. This mentality has never entered my practice before. I often try to love who I am, or accept myself with flaws, but it's always trying to combat self hatred with some new feeling of love. Often, all I can find is acceptance, and not always. Today I felt a strong degree of self-love. I appreciated the progress I've made, I appreciated my mind for the ways in which it supports me. I have grown to love myself for a number of qualities I have, and I understand now that I am not repulsive simply because I have an addiction to alcohol. Iam actually a competent and lovely woman. I'd like to share the traditional Buddhist prayer - Rimpoche Nawang Gehlek - my instructor uses at the end of every class:

May all beings find happiness and the causes of happiness
May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering
May all beings never be parted from freedom's true joy
May all beings dwell in equanimity free from attachment and aversion.

Namaste

Today's pose: the courageous warrior

I had an awakening. I suddenly became overwhelmed with the sense that I desire to be whole, healthy, and good. I want to reach deep into my innermost soul to find the strength I know must live there - the strength to live my life with integrity (and SANITY), facing life's challenges without fear, coping with disappointment and grief rather than being overwhelmed. I've succumbed so often to negative attitudes about myself, my mind, my addiction, my mental illness. I have so often believed I'm ugly and dark and rotten inside. But I'm not. It's merely a reflection of my suffering. There is another way to live, and I can achieve that today. I can have peace and acceptance. Today's pose is the courageous warrior. Today I will have the courage to face my life, my reality, accept that the past is gone forever. I want to be good. I want to be wonderful. I want to be loved by others, but I also need be loved by me. Today that is possible.

Today's practice: the beautiful pink lotus

Today's practice centered on the lotus flower and lotus poses. So many wonderful twists and binds!  It's been raining for several days straight, and we're all feeling wet, cold, and grimy, and yes...a little depressed. At one point our teacher told us that the lotus is a beautiful pink flower that grows in a muddy river. It's worth paying attention to the fact that something so beautiful which represents peace and balance is derived from dirt. It's also the only plant to fruit and flower at the same time. I couldn't help but take on this image for myself. My heart, my soul, my being is tremendously beautiful. All that I am has been cultivated within a world of grief and loss, addiction and depression. Yet, I've emerged a wonderful woman. I may be addicted to a substance, but it doesn't make me wholly flawed. It reminds me I'm wholly human. The entire class today, my intention was to live inside my body. Some days I wish I could just leave myself for awhile, go to sleep and not come back for a few days. I wish I could climb out of my skin. Tonight, I'm happy to be living inside of my skin, thanks to this blissful practice.

Feeling strong, healing inside

I find I'm having a lot of positive reflections and insights about my illness. I've grown tremendously, despite the numerous relapses into drinking. I'm on another sober stretch - planned for 5 days - and I'm preparing to start a 30 day stretch. I abstained without any difficulty last night, and my yoga session felt wonderful, as if I were cleansing away the negative images of myself and my life that linger in my mind.

I finally feel a real sense of my own worth. This is largely because I have so many people around me that continuously tell me that I'm special, wonderful, loveable, and awesome.

I try to remind myself that everything I need can be found within myself. Still, I wish I could generate such self-praise on my own, but the truth is: sometimes what I need comes from my loved ones, and it's a wonderful gift.

I believe that 2 years of yoga and antidepressant treatment, plus nurturing, loving relationships, have all contributed to my recovery. I feel that I've benefitted greatly, and I feel that a life of inner peace and sobriety is in my grasp. I no longer feel I am doomed to repeat the same cycle of abstain-relapse-despair-repeat that I lived for so long. I no longer feel hopeless.

Cultivating inner rewards

It should be obvious from many of the reflections written here that I've been practicing yoga for a few years now, despite my failure to cut back or quit drinking. I've been in Moderation Management for a couple of years, and it has given me a lot of needed relief from drinking and the guilt and shame accompanying my drinking problem. I've managed to abstain and moderate for long stretches of time, but then I slip back into old habits easily. I believe I need to abstain forever to achieve the recovery I need and so badly want. Until I succeed in sobriety, I will continue to cultivate new ways of thinking and coping. I have benefitted tremendously from my practice, and I feel I've gained more insight and strength from yoga than I ever did with my clinical psychologist. The mindfulness I've developed on my mat has grown to include mindfulness about my body in other areas. I'm taking a different attitude toward my drinking. I haven't been drunk in weeks, and I don't feel ashamed or guilty anymore. This is a problem many people struggle with, and I am working daily on tackling the beast. Many people do great things in their life, even when drinking heavily, including me. All I want is to take care of my mind, my soul, my heart. I am embarking on a 5-day abstinence stretch with 5 days of yoga, and 5 days of organic healthy eating. I'm looking forward to spending most of my time over these 5 days healing and nourishing my mind.

I hate that I struggle with drinking. I hate that it is occupying so much mental space. I hate CRAVINGS. Yet, I can't stay away from the stuff. I'll make a resolution just for today. Tomorrow I can pick it up again if I want. Today I will love myself, and I will accept that I have an addiction, but that doesn't mean I'm bad, icky, ugly, gross, or otherwise awful. In fact, I live a very textured and inspiring life. So, I will appreciate my body and brain for what it is, and accept that it is flawed and human.