"Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles, and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” ~ Lao-tzu

The answer was "no. I don't." And, I didn't. But, let me say this...the pink lotus is a flower that grows through mud at the bottom of ponds, and arises above the water. Since then, I have discovered many such flowers growing out of my own muddy waters.

This week has been no exception.
Thank you, friends.

Sober, not free

Yoga Art by Gosia Janik

I have abstained from alcohol for nearly 2 months now. I have been enjoying many gifts because of my sobriety, but many rewards I so looked forward to receiving have remained elusive. I find it difficult to control my anxiety and I am feeling overwhelmed with stress. I was away from my mat again for a prolonged period and went back yesterday for a wonderful class. After class, it was as though my bundled up, twisted, tangled body and mind was released from bondage for the evening. My intention came to my mat at the moment of sun salutation when I realized all I wanted from yoga is to escape. Escape from worry, fret, paranoia, sadness, and disappointment. Escape from my continual waking knowledge of the world I pieced together with sadness and alcohol. Escape from my mind, tormenting me. And it works! Up until shavasana, at which point the hamster hopped back into the wheel and my mind went back to my troubles.

Yoga greatly alleviated my suffering while I was struggling with alcohol. Despite my frustration with addiction, yoga brought me many peaceful days and nights. My only real hope for a lasting recovery is to return to my mat and weave those intentions into my waking life.

Today, I'm devoting my practice to those who are still suffering

I didn't post in December because of a terrible relapse. I moved to a new town and a new job 6 months ago, and pretty much buckled under the stress. My drinking took on a self-destructive form, greater than I had ever experienced before. I found my way out again, and I am beyond relieved to be sober and in good shape physically and mentally. I believe this would not be possible without antidepressants. I have been depressed most of my life, and I am realistic about the necessity of drugs for my survival. I have suffered so profoundly, so deeply, descending into a darkness I never knew existed before my untimely arrival into that place. I can't describe the pain. I don't want you to know what it feels like. I never understood alcoholism before I experienced the madness firsthand, and therefore hope you don't understand me either. But, my dear, loving friends and husband have shown me nothing but love, patience, and kindness. I have seen them suffer on my behalf, and although I wish they never witnessed my insanity, nonetheless I have been uplifted by their commitment to me as a human being. I'll never be able to repay them, but today, I am offering my practice to the universe in hopes it finds my fellow sufferers. I wish I could open my heart and share the peace I feel right now with those who are still entangled.

Healing takes time - be patient

It's difficult to not get impatient, especially when we begin recovery. I often find I am distressed at the fact that I have been forced to deal with psychological problems since I was a little girl. My mother committed suicide when I was 8 years old, and ever since I've been struggling with emotional issues. Because of my early life trauma, I have been less equipped to cope with distress than my peers.

Early recovery is a challenge because we have to learn to cope without using food, alcohol, cigarettes, or other external rewards. How do we learn to find inner rewards to help us get through a tough time? The first place to reach for your inner rewards is on the yoga mat. If, for 60-90 minutes, I am able to indulge in blissful body movements, calming meditation, healing, self-affirming mental intentions, I can begin to allow the healing I experience on the mat to infiltrate the rest of my life. But it doesn't transfer over perfectly and the peace we feel on our mat cannot eliminate distress. Life's inherent stressors won't allow us to live a perfectly peaceful life 100% of the time. Early in recovery it can be very frustrating. We come off our mats after a fabulous session, and immediately afterword we step into a difficult reality. Early recovery is when we begin to face what has become of our lives because of alcohol. It's hard to incorporate self-love while also feeling such profound regret. It's hard to cope with distressing emotions when we're used to having a substance help us get through our day.

One way we can bring peace from our mat into our messy lives is to do forward bending and sun salutations when we are feeling overwhelmed. If possible, escape to a private place and do 5-10 sun salutations, and each time you bring your hands in prayer to your heart, exhale strongly and leave a small opening in your hands to place the seed of your intention. What will be your intention? If you are needing this to cope with distress, intentions to face life with courage, react with calmness, or treat others with patience will likely emerge. Don't be upset with yourself if you react with anger or sadness. Healing takes time. Every time I practice on my mat, I will remind myself that I am in the process of healing life-long, deeply embedded wounds and scars, and this will take time. I will practice an attitude of patience and forgiveness. Remember that nothing can grow in complete darkness. Shine a light on your wounded soul.
Peace

I woke up healthy this morning

I think one of the worst consequences of living with alcohol addiction is waking up in the morning. I don't know how many mornings I awoke far too early, my brain insistent on being alert and focused, reminding me that I have become a woman I hate, an alcoholic. These mornings are unbelievably distressing. I would awaken with profound anxiety and self-loathing, wishing I could just keep sleeping. Many, many days I wished I had died in my sleep. To be addicted to alcohol is to live with a constant feeling of illness along with the knowledge that tomorrow won't be any different, no matter what you promise yourself in these early hours.

Today I woke up healthy. My head is clear and my body is rested. To have a healthy body is a gift, but it's a gift we all take for granted in our youth. We know that our bodies will not always be healthy, and we know how to treat our bodies well. Yet, so often we squander this gift because of our need to soothe our aching souls, eroding our health with substances and toxic foods. Now it's time to let go of those things that will only hurt me. The pain and grief I feel can be soothed with a nurturing practice of yoga and meditation. My healthy body will not be with me forever, so while I am blessed with this gift, I am making a promise to my body to give all I have to my recovery. 

Yoga at Dusk

Dusk Warrior

Well, it's November, time for the sky to darken and the trees to become bare. The rains are on their way, about to soak the earth in preparation for a long winter. The sun disappears from the sky, especially here in upstate New York. Typically, November marks the beginning of a fierce mental struggle for me. I often long for sunlight, and wish that I could live in a permanently sunny area of the world. When the trees drop their leaves, and the grass turns brown, as the clouds begin to cover the sky for days at a time, I tend to fall into sadness and grief.

But, it's an important time of the year. It's a time to recede into a dormant state, a state that allows us to slow down, recover, replenish, and renew. The trees need this period of slowness, of rest, in order to emerge full and thriving once again in the spring. So, too, must I. Now, I will be celebrating this turn of season. I have decided I will appreciate the beauty of the dusk sky. The most lovely time of day is dusk. Therefore, why not enjoy the beauty of the late fall as though indulging in a deep dusk period? This can be my time to slow down, sink into a warm cozy cocoon, feed my soul with quiet reflection, and appreciate the new season. My mind open for instruction, ready for gentle growth, today's pose will be moon. As dusk bleeds into our days, so also the moon will provide a gentle twilight reminding us that light can be found even beneath a darkened sky, and hope can be seen even within a darkened spirit.

My love and I practiced candlelight yoga together

Saturday night, in lieu of dinner and a movie, my husband and I decided to practice yoga together in our home. I am a more experienced yogi so I led the session and he followed. We practiced in unison without speaking to one another and the session went on for an hour and a half! We played the most lovely music and candles were lit all around us. It was so beautiful. As I was setting my intention, hands in prayer before my heart, I couldn't think of the word I wanted. I knew it was love and something about joining with him in a spiritual way, but I couldn't think of a name for the intention. I realized finally that the word I was searching for doesn't exist. There is no linguistic equivalent for the kind of unity I felt at that time. So I kept this nameless intention throughout the session. It was blissful, restorative, spectacular! My husband has been a dear friend and partner to me, supporting me completely in my struggle to cope with alcohol problems. He has nurtured me and loved me when I felt worthless and unloveable. I am dedicating my practice today in profound appreciation for what he has given me all these years.

Love Love Love