Today's pose: the courageous warrior

I had an awakening. I suddenly became overwhelmed with the sense that I desire to be whole, healthy, and good. I want to reach deep into my innermost soul to find the strength I know must live there - the strength to live my life with integrity (and SANITY), facing life's challenges without fear, coping with disappointment and grief rather than being overwhelmed. I've succumbed so often to negative attitudes about myself, my mind, my addiction, my mental illness. I have so often believed I'm ugly and dark and rotten inside. But I'm not. It's merely a reflection of my suffering. There is another way to live, and I can achieve that today. I can have peace and acceptance. Today's pose is the courageous warrior. Today I will have the courage to face my life, my reality, accept that the past is gone forever. I want to be good. I want to be wonderful. I want to be loved by others, but I also need be loved by me. Today that is possible.

Today's practice: the beautiful pink lotus

Today's practice centered on the lotus flower and lotus poses. So many wonderful twists and binds!  It's been raining for several days straight, and we're all feeling wet, cold, and grimy, and yes...a little depressed. At one point our teacher told us that the lotus is a beautiful pink flower that grows in a muddy river. It's worth paying attention to the fact that something so beautiful which represents peace and balance is derived from dirt. It's also the only plant to fruit and flower at the same time. I couldn't help but take on this image for myself. My heart, my soul, my being is tremendously beautiful. All that I am has been cultivated within a world of grief and loss, addiction and depression. Yet, I've emerged a wonderful woman. I may be addicted to a substance, but it doesn't make me wholly flawed. It reminds me I'm wholly human. The entire class today, my intention was to live inside my body. Some days I wish I could just leave myself for awhile, go to sleep and not come back for a few days. I wish I could climb out of my skin. Tonight, I'm happy to be living inside of my skin, thanks to this blissful practice.

Feeling strong, healing inside

I find I'm having a lot of positive reflections and insights about my illness. I've grown tremendously, despite the numerous relapses into drinking. I'm on another sober stretch - planned for 5 days - and I'm preparing to start a 30 day stretch. I abstained without any difficulty last night, and my yoga session felt wonderful, as if I were cleansing away the negative images of myself and my life that linger in my mind.

I finally feel a real sense of my own worth. This is largely because I have so many people around me that continuously tell me that I'm special, wonderful, loveable, and awesome.

I try to remind myself that everything I need can be found within myself. Still, I wish I could generate such self-praise on my own, but the truth is: sometimes what I need comes from my loved ones, and it's a wonderful gift.

I believe that 2 years of yoga and antidepressant treatment, plus nurturing, loving relationships, have all contributed to my recovery. I feel that I've benefitted greatly, and I feel that a life of inner peace and sobriety is in my grasp. I no longer feel I am doomed to repeat the same cycle of abstain-relapse-despair-repeat that I lived for so long. I no longer feel hopeless.

Cultivating inner rewards

It should be obvious from many of the reflections written here that I've been practicing yoga for a few years now, despite my failure to cut back or quit drinking. I've been in Moderation Management for a couple of years, and it has given me a lot of needed relief from drinking and the guilt and shame accompanying my drinking problem. I've managed to abstain and moderate for long stretches of time, but then I slip back into old habits easily. I believe I need to abstain forever to achieve the recovery I need and so badly want. Until I succeed in sobriety, I will continue to cultivate new ways of thinking and coping. I have benefitted tremendously from my practice, and I feel I've gained more insight and strength from yoga than I ever did with my clinical psychologist. The mindfulness I've developed on my mat has grown to include mindfulness about my body in other areas. I'm taking a different attitude toward my drinking. I haven't been drunk in weeks, and I don't feel ashamed or guilty anymore. This is a problem many people struggle with, and I am working daily on tackling the beast. Many people do great things in their life, even when drinking heavily, including me. All I want is to take care of my mind, my soul, my heart. I am embarking on a 5-day abstinence stretch with 5 days of yoga, and 5 days of organic healthy eating. I'm looking forward to spending most of my time over these 5 days healing and nourishing my mind.

I hate that I struggle with drinking. I hate that it is occupying so much mental space. I hate CRAVINGS. Yet, I can't stay away from the stuff. I'll make a resolution just for today. Tomorrow I can pick it up again if I want. Today I will love myself, and I will accept that I have an addiction, but that doesn't mean I'm bad, icky, ugly, gross, or otherwise awful. In fact, I live a very textured and inspiring life. So, I will appreciate my body and brain for what it is, and accept that it is flawed and human.